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I wish I could tell you how scared I am, how worried and insecure
and I tell them that sometimes it’s not about whether it’s worth it,
.
but about whether you’re willing to go through all those frustrations,
and disappointments, and bouts of doubt all over again. Because I’ve
.
gotten accustomed to loneliness, and I’m afraid that I am starting to
spiral back into that familiar loneliness, just because you’re out of
.
touch, and I don’t know how to reach you. I wish I didn’t feel this
way, because it’s the most rotten feeling in the world. This is one of
.
those moments when you just wish people just left other people alone
from the start, instead of like this. Because like this, I am running
.
through my mind everything we’ve shared and looking for clues on where
it started going wrong, or if I’d said something I shouldn’t have, when
.
the truth is, it may have nothing to do with us. But I wish I could just
close my eyes and will myself to stop hoping you’d come to me at this
.
instant and explain it, because I’m sure there has to be a perfectly
good explanation and it will make sense when you tell me. What really
.
terrifies me is that I may be standing, oblivious, on the line where
everything actually ends, and there will be no explanations, no sense,
.
not even a goodbye.
.
Footnote: This lines style was a takeoff from one of Maxine Syjuco’s (a.k.a. the Madonna of Philippine Poetry) poems from the book A Secret Life. This is NOTHING compared to what she can do when she writes in this format; but for a first attempt I’m proud of it.
.
*HUG!!!* Aww, honey. You really don’t need to feel so sad, nor worried. Whatever happens, happens. You’ll wake up a few days from now and shake your head at all this.
Relax. Take a breather. Just stop thinking. I know it’s hard, but you need to do it for the sake of your sanity.
Smile, oki? We labs yuuu!!!
Wow, abject loneliness and acute paranoia. I think loneliness is less about reaching out than letting someone else in. By the way, the picture on the blog header looks like a street in Santa Rosa, California.
O really? Hee. It could be. It was taken by a friend photographing coffee drinkers around the world. Thanks for reading though. I know it’s not as good as what you guys out there are accustomed to being exposed to, but hey, it’s an expression of a genuine emotion, so I suppose it merits something.
“whether you’re willing to go through all those frustrations,
and disappointments, and bouts of doubt all over again”
But you know deep inside that you’re willing even if there’s only a thread of hope that everything will get itself fixed.
Yeah sometimes optimism is a killer.
this is beautiful. i really love Maxine Syjuco too. her poems are dark yet liberating. cheers to womanhood!